Russell Grant's Astrology

System: DS
Developer: Sproing Interactive
Publisher: Deep Silver
Genre: Russell Grant
Players: 1

How disappointing. Despite slapping his name and cheerful, jellyfish-like face on the cover, Russell Grant's Astrology... doesn't actually feature Russell Grant at all! He's nowhere to be seen in-game. Where's that guiding light? Once you reach the bland, Russell-less title screen, it's difficult to even bother pushing forward. Shame on you, Deep Silver, luring people in with sex appeal.

"Nobody's going to buy an astrology game on the DS," the marketing director proclaimed. Before anyone could reply, his eyes widened until the people sitting either side of him had to scoot back on their chairs. "Unless... unless we put Russell Grant on the box!" The room fell silent for exactly three seconds, before bursting into frenzied excitement.


For something that's basically the video game equivalent of picking up a newspaper and flicking to the horoscopes whilst smugly glancing over at the fancy adverts for gold star transsexual midget massage parlors in an effort to look sophisticated, Russell Grant's Astrology sure kicks off with a complicated introduction.

First I was asked to input my name and date of birth - fine, fine. Then it wanted my time of birth. After going with the default setting (fun o'clock), I was presented with a map of the world to choose what country – followed by the state - I was born in. Oh, but that's not good enough. No. Finally, the game demanded the exact coordinates of my birth place. Up pops a latitude and longitude menu that would put a flight simulator to shame. Here, let me mail off my birth certificate and a macaroni and string recreation of my umbilical cord while I'm at it.


The 'Astro Advisor' section makes up the bulk of this package - it's just your daily horoscope. Each day you can read up on exciting things such as "A stark decisiveness and a mysterious eroticism surround you and make you almost irresistible." I kid you not, and this was under the 'Life' category! Still, it's all useless without Russell Grant. Even just a simple picture, maybe with the text being placed in a speech bubble or something; it could have been the next big 'Touch Generation' sensation on DS!

Aside from the woefully misguided Astro Advisor, there are a few one-off sections, such as how to reveal the secret powers of the moon by studying 'Moon Phases'. Once you've read what it has to say, that's it, there's no... er, training or anything. Now I'll never unlock my inner moon power. You can also have the game tell you what to do each day in 'Daily Stars'. What to eat, how to do your job, what fork to use for peas that have fallen on the floor, that sort of thing. Sounds exciting, right? Totally peaceful, be one with the nagging stress.


But it's not all mind, body and spirit! Russell Grant's Astrology also has three amazing interactive computerised video entertainment mini-games to enjoy. 'Astropairs' is an awful memory-style game where you flip over tiles until you match the right ones, 'Splintered Star' is a sliding puzzle nightmare and 'Zodidoku' is a high-larious Sudoku clone. Did you see what they did there? They changed the name. They changed it, man. That's innovative and edgy.

But just imagine if there were Russell Grant mini-games. A game where you had to scratch his vast oasis of chins with the stylus, or a 'Where's Russell' mode. It'd be like Where's Wally, but you'd have to find Russell. Just wait until you get to the picture where he's lost in the land of Russell's! Oh boy!

Deep Silver knew they'd made a mistake by not including a digital Russell Grant (ala Brain Training's Professor Kawashima), as this was eventually released in Australia simply as Astrology. Still, this UK import was worth the massive $9 asking price, if only for the cover. Wait, no it wasn't.


Score: / 10 - "Critical lack of Russell Grant"
Ugh, I need a drink.

Review by Lance McGill (Infernal Monkey)