Welcome to A-N H-Q. Constructed in 1989, the building is a youthful 20-years young, but with our tender loving care, only appears to be 60. Within those doors, magic happens. And let me tell you, that's not because of the outstanding amount of "fairy dust" that's snorted at lunch break, it's because there are plenty of great folks working to achieve the best they can, under the careful eye of Curly T. Skipper, or as the general population calls him, Captain.
Curly The Skipper, although possessed with an unnatural talent for mastering web (his nickname in High School was E-Spider-Man, which lead to his obsession with hyphens), could not create A-N on his own. A site that deals with news concerning the gaming company Nintendo, which caters primarily for the Australian audience? A tough task for anyone, even Skipper. A dream team was to be composed, each bringing their own to the table. Their own what, you say? Dreams my friends, dreams.
The infamous 'Walking Watermark' Aussie, 'Snake Tongue' Spike, 'Falcon Fist' stubbietubbie and 'Gravy Train' Ganon were the Dream Team, stepping up to the plate, and effectively creating the basis of A-N. A very sturdy basis, rigid like an ox raised on steroids and testosterone. Things were looking very bright for A-N in the early days of 2005, and continue to do so to this day. In fact, staff have to legally wear sunglasses around the clock for fear of permanent retina damage. As a side-effect of wearing the darkened lenses, we became even more cool.
The A-N staff hard at work
Becoming an A-N staff member is a tough process. Our last applicant was thrown out of the building in a bleeding wreck, for having a typo in his article on a new DS title that improves spelling. You got to be tough to get into the videogame journalism business. I myself had to prove to Curly that I could take a cricket bat to the "cricket balls" to prove my dedication, and succeed I did. Ask any of the staff what task they had to fulfill for Mr. Skipper's seal of approval, as I know for a fact TSPhoenix had to retrieve tears from a nun no longer faithful, and that Apophis was asked to wrestle a lion into submission.
"...and then he had to kiss embers fierce enough to melt iron..."
The H-Q is divided into the two following classes: Writers and Moderators. When I first entered with my official role as "staff member", I tried to walk into the Moderator wing of the building. After being told by various staff that "you just don't do that", and being spanked by a Mr. stubbie, I made myself over to the literary side of the business. And as long as we're on the topic, the Writers wing smells better.
Staff are sanctioned in cubicles with a desktop computer, a hilarious motivational poster (mine says "work or I'll cut you"), an office chair with wheels, and a calculator to complete the look. The room is air-conditioned for comfort, the lights are fluorescent for the environment, and the carpet floor is a thrilling "Wii Disc Slot LED" blue. We're living the life. Also in the Writers Wing, there is a vending machine that dispenses peanuts and M&M's, so you can be assured our nutritional needs are met. I am not sure exactly what goes on in the Moderator Wing, but when I briefly gazed inside when I was a n00b, I swear there was a partially nude lady dancing around their hat stand.
Onto the business side of things, I'll explain the processes that go into making a potential news piece become a reality. We go online and search for news, check company websites, and do other assorted tidbits. If someone thinks they've found something that will bring more people to our site (reporting on the developer diary of "Catz" for example, will drive away visitors), we post it in our special Staff forum as "news to be posted". Someone checks it out, generally leaves a message like "I'll take it, like I take your mother to paradise when we [EXPLETIVE]". The person who claims the news writes a piece, sources the material, posts it, then sits back, with arms behind his head, smiling at the screen. He had just posted news, and he feels great for doing so. That's why we enjoy working for this website. That and playing A-N H-Q Bingo. It's a game we play where if someone does something that's specified on your game board, you win a point. First person to five points gets to review a game that's actually decent. Things specified on the board range from "A point if Lucario asks for a loan to buy pokemon merchandise", or perhaps "A point if BoonMcNougat conquers a Dutch teenage girl on the lunch table" (something that happens a surprising amount of times).
Alice the wise house keeper acts as a wild card point, for those playing at home.
Our job is to inform Australian gamers about the latest going ons in the Nintendo biz. We try to do our best, and it's always a pleasure to spend time with our excellent forum community. Aussie-Nintendo does what it can with what it's got, and we honestly like doing what we do. Just make sure you keep coming back and reading our content, so we can get a slice of that delicious advertising revenue pie. Because if A-N doesn't get paid, say goodbye to our kneecaps! Have fun gaming brethren!
By Jack Niehsner ('Bloodshot' BoonMcNougat)
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Simple 2000: The End
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